Heads or Tails

At first, reading was my salvation. Now, it's writing. If I couldn't write, I beg you to dig a hole and bury me, because I'd be dead inside. That might sound a little melodramatic, but it's the truth.

I have been faced with a very important personal decision I've put off for a very long time. I'm not going to recount the details here -- it's too close and I'm not ready. Suffice to say the massive stress of this decision has manifested in physical ways, affected my emotional and mental health, and it's time to put a stop to this horseshit.

I'm no stranger to stress. It probably runs through my veins like heart's blood. All I know is I'm finally sick and tired of feeling this way, totally aware it has been through my own choices and decisions. I don't regret those decisions or choices, but I do choose a different path at this time.

I don't deal well with change. In my life, change is dangerous, dark, and frightening. I know it's the only constant, and I know it's inevitable. I also know not all change is bad. But I don't like it and I often struggle against it to my own detriment. I second-guess myself; I worry way too much about things over which I have no control; I run with the hamsters all night long. I often put other people's feelings ahead of my own. I have a difficult time asking for help, although I am very blessed to have some amazing friends in my life and two daughters who are the world to me. Then, I beat myself up about the decisions I have made, which is really just a lesson in futility.

It is what it is. A saying I totally despise, probably because it is so true.

So, I have made this decision with full intent of seeing it through. I hope I'm strong enough to do that. Because there's this little girl inside who is very scared, very lonely, and very much resistant to my decision. She's crying and carrying on and in so much pain I scarce know what to do with her other than to hold her close and let her sob it all out. Tell her it's okay to be sad and scared, but that everything will be all right. At the moment she's not listening which is manifesting as nausea, headache, elevated heart rate, and other examples of total fuckery.

I hope I'm not lying to her. I sincerely hope my comforting words are not lies, because she deserves the truth. She deserves better.

The thing is, all these symptoms are only telling me I'm doing the right thing. A very good friend told me once the more scared you are means you're on the right track. In this case, I'd have to say I'm dead on, from the way I feel. While I know this too, shall pass, in the meantime I'm feeling awful.

And yet...I still harbor this small spark of hope. I attribute this to all the books I read that told me if you are strong, and brave, and stand true, there is a happy ending. Of course, I read just as many books in which there are no happy endings, so I'm aware this is a crap shoot. I'm just going to flip a coin and hope for the best.

I'll let you know if it lands heads or tails.